I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
