FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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