I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
