so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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