Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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