just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
