Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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