i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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