Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
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If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
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After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize