My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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