Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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