Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
