Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
