how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
