i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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