Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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