Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
