I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
