i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
