My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
