I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
