Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
