New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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