I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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