I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
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My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
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Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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