A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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