I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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