bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
