Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
