I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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