yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I supernannyed him into submission
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
