the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
