I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
