two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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