I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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