wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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