Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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