At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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