thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
