What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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