dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
