arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
