my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
