she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I have aggressive nipples.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
