I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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