The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
