I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
