Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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