a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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