It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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