How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
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