lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
