I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
