dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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