you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
