somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
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We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
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I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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